


Crosswalk

by thepageofapillow



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: After leaving EXO, Angst, Eye Contact, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-06-04 22:29:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6677893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepageofapillow/pseuds/thepageofapillow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They’ve gone their separate ways, and have their separate regrets. Until the light flashes white, it all floods back to them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crosswalk

**Author's Note:**

> I’m so in love with Jo Kwon's Crosswalk, which is what this fic is based off of. It just has so much emotion in it and I highly recommend you listen to it before you read this fic. Also this is FICTION so most of it isn’t factually CORRECT OK THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Also FYI this might actually be the shittiest thing I wrote but I had so many feelings leave me alone.

The day Yifan left EXO was a day filled with no regret. He was happy of his decision, and grateful that the bounds of his company were ripped from him and he could finally hang free. He could do as he wished now, and not feel as fatigued as before. He could hang out with whomever he wished without being scolded by the company, and not followed as much as he was when he was in a popular boy band. He could also now pursue the thing he missed most: his family. That day he didn’t think anything could come back to haunt him. 

Two years after Yifan left EXO, on this day, was indeed a day full of regret. He dwells on so much he’s wanted to say to his ex-members. How he’s sorry for suddenly disappearing without notice. For abandoning his position as leader and therefore neglecting the unit. For even going out of the company without notice, though it still rises contempt in him. But nothing breaks his heart more than when he replays the scene in his head before he left the group. 

He’s especially sorry for breaking Zitao’s heart, even though he doesn’t mean it like he did anymore.

* * *

 

_The leader was being called, so he turned around. Standing there was the youngest of his unit, Zitao. He seemed to be out of breath, but Yifan didn’t know if it was from the dance practice or the fact that Zitao tended to rush everything. Still,, he awaited the words that spilled from the younger’s mouth as he spoke. He rose a brow indignantly and put his hands on his hips. The boy shivered in anxiety, too scared to have his heart crushed by the one he deared most. He just didn’t know it would hurt as bad as it did._

_And then he said it. Those three words that changed everything. “I like you.” Yifan’s eyes dramatically widened as he leaned forward, trying to snap himself out of whatever trance or dream to end this. Unfortunately, it was real. “Zitao...” The boy perked up at the mention of his name, training his gaze on his leader as if awaiting his final verdict. “I’m so sorry. I can’t return your feelings.” His face dropped and immediately his eyes scrunched up, filling with tears to the brim._

* * *

 

He ran off, then, and ever since, Yifan hadn’t been able to get the image out of his head. The way his eyes watered and his whole complexion dimmed considerably made Yifan’s heart swell and hammer against his chest with pain. He knows now that the words he said in exchange were lies. He didn’t mean it. He even knows before he left without warning that he regretted it. Just seeing the look in Zitao’s eyes when he announced it just....ruined everything. He may not have said goodbye formally, but over the phone was enough, he thought. He thought wrong.

* * *

 

**Goodbye now.**

_“You’re what!?” Minseok practically yelled into the phone when Yifan uttered those words. It was on speaker for the whole eleven other members to hear. “Yeah, erm, I’m just gonna go. I guess I thought I should tell you guys,” Yifan says. Zitao doesn’t speak a word over the phone. He’s shocked. He thought he knew Yifan better than this. Apparently, he didn’t.  
_

_“But you’re coming back, right? This is a joke, right?” Luhan demands, emotional strangle to his voice. Yifan shakes his head, but then remembers that the rest of the members can’t see him. “Filed a lawsuit against the company to terminate my contract. I’m not planning on coming back,” Yifan says, and he can practically feel the tension in the room, even if he is several miles away. He hears Junmyun exhale over the phone dramatically, taking it away from Minseok and speaking as though it were only him and Yifan talking.  
_

_“At least you have your reasons,” Junmyun returns after Yifan has explained why. Yifan sighs over the phone and apologizes once more. “I’m sorry,” he says. He can feel the members nodding their heads, even though he isn’t there to see it. “We understand. Have fun out there in the real world,” Yixing jokes, and Yifan laughs for a bit. After that, he decides to keep his composure up. “Goodbye,” he says, then hangs up the phone.  
_

**I say my goodbyes like I’m so cool.**

* * *

 

Now here he is, back in China for some business, always dwelling on the negative. But he can’t help but think of all the things he should have said. He still resides with his decision, but there were some young and dumb decisions made there and he should have listened to his head for once before he went all out and left. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.

He shoves his hands in his pocket as he walks along the sidewalk, paying attention to the busy streets buzzling over next to him and in front of him. The crosswalk is near, and it’s almost time to stroll along, but the walking sign hasn’t displayed yet. So Yifan waits patiently, combing through the rest of the hair that had grown. He _really_ needed a haircut. As soon as the timer ticks down to one and then finally changing the sign, Yifan goes off to step in his own time across the white lines. However, he wasn’t expecting to see a blond bespectacled being walking in the opposite direction.

It was Zitao.

Compared to Yifan’s own fashion, he wasn’t too shabby, and he was wearing thick framed glasses that took over his entire face almost. He looked fluffy in his big coat. But Yifan wasn’t really concerned with his appearance after all these years. Time seemed to stop when they made eye contact, and every dormant feeling lying there for the past two years had suddenly awakened and Yifan’s heart was thrumming erratically against his chest. He so desperately wanted to run up to him, and laugh like they used to when they were back in the unit. But things were different now.

Yifan had learned that Zitao left EXO too. Even before that, a few months after Yifan left, Luhan did too. He couldn’t say he wasn’t surprised. He could tell Luhan would. But Zitao? He had no idea. That kid tended to keep to himself with his hardships, anyways. But seeing him here? Now? A lot has changed and there wasn’t really tying anything together except for the feelings both of them harbored for each other. 

**For a second I thought of holding you back.**

**Turns out I’m such a fool.**

Part of Yifan wants to stay there and mend things back together, but his feet wouldn’t let them. They exchanged gazes until time unfroze and it seemed to melt back into the despairing state it had been before. Yifan walked on, as well as Zitao. The back of Yifan’s mind was screaming at him to get back there and talk to the love of your life goddammit, but he doesn’t look back. Not for a second. Because even as much as he wants to run back there and think Zitao would be waiting there for him, he knows he isn’t.

**When I endure and walk across this road that I wished would never end…**

He knows if he goes back, Zitao won’t be standing there. He also knows if he goes back, nothing will be mended. Nothing will bring them together like it used to, when things were blissful and bittersweet during every moment plastered together for the fans. It didn’t mean much to Yifan then, but it meant a hell of a lot to Zitao. But looking back, Yifan realizes it did mean a lot to him. That’s the only thing that would bring his Converse to turn around and run back into Zitao’s arms. 

But this isn’t a fairy tale.

**So afraid that you might have left.  
So afraid you might not be there anymore.  
So afraid, so afraid that you might be gone.  
I cannot dare look back.**   
  


He steps up the stairs to his apartment for the time being, going inside, and then kneeling down to untie his shoes. Before he knows it, a drop of moisture coats the laces, and he realizes he’s crying after he undoes the loop tightening his shoe around his ankle. His brows furrow as he lets it all out, everything he’s held in for so long. He gazes longingly out the window as he swallows the lump in his throat, biting his bottom lip as the tears escape him unwillingly. He leans against the wall, sitting on the ground and hugging his knees to his chest. He rests his head on the back of the wall, shutting his eyes and letting all of his tears flow out of him silently.

**I cannot dare look back.**


End file.
